i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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