i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
