i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
