Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
