The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
