were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
