I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
