I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
