We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
