just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
