Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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