You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
This baby is an asshole
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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