Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
