Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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