I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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