these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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