My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
