Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
