i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
