u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
