Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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