I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
