i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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