Fine. I'll sleep in my office
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
