why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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