Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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