What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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