I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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