that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
