his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
