Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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