Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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