After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
