someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
