you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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