The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
