she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
40s are totally the cure
We need a shit load of segways right now
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
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