got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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