Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
