Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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