Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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