My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Do vagina's smell?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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