Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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