i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
