you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Randomize
