We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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