Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
