It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
