Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
