Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
