Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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