So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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